The end of a journey

Time plays such funny tricks on you.

For so many moments of my life abroad these past 10 months, going home was always more of an idea than reality, something that was supposedly going to happen but always so far in the future that it never quite seemed real.

Quite suddenly, I am returning home to Michigan tomorrow.

I exceeded every expectation that I had for this journey – especially when it came to wanting to slow down. Not only did I get my wish, but in less-than-happy moments it felt like it would never come to an end, in fact (i.e. a rough week of classes/students). This is the not so desirable forever-feeling.

Then there were the many weekends in the woods, climbing this hill or following that river, feeling like you could never possibly be anywhere else doing anything else, that you would forever add muddy miles to your trusty old hiking boots while discovering new smells and sounds, all the while just walking under a clear blue sky or on fresh white snow or under some friendly rain.

Or perhaps it was the many moments traveling alone on a train or ferry, staring out the window at mountains or deserts or oceans, your thoughts so entangled that sometimes it feels like you're thinking about everything at once while other times it feels like you're thinking of nothing at all, but you're so at peace no matter what kind of thinking it is that it doesn't really matter. The beautiful thing is that you never think of the end. You can never imagine being any other way.

These are the good kind of forever-feelings.

Such moments stretch to infinity and can leave you feeling rather blindsided when they do come to an end, making you feel almost betrayed by them – weren't they supposed to keep you wrapped forever in wonder and joy and a sense of freedom? You forget that journeys end and you try to blame it on them, but they are just journeys after all – they don't make promises any more than toasters do.

I leave tomorrow. How strange it feels to see and think the words. It's certainly not that I haven't thought about coming home – au contraire. I have missed my home, friends and family beyond words, but I've also been happy and living a life here, and no matter how much I thought about it and you all, it never seemed to click. It has just been so long and I've gotten so used to my way of life over here that it's hard to believe it will be over soon.

I feel an intense heaviness on my chest and the weight of the past year on my shoulders, afraid to be forgotten and left behind. Such are experiences, I have learned, feeling almost like a friend you have made instead of a place you have visited, pulling one hand behind you to stay while the other is being pulled forward toward the future. They feel betrayed you are leaving – you had gotten so close and seemed so happy – and you try to explain to them that they will be coming with you in a way, but they don't understand. And so the tug-of-war.

That said, perhaps you might be confused to know that I am very, very happy indeed to be coming home, that I am looking forward to trying on my old life like the pair of skinny jeans so many people keep in their closest, ready to see after such an extended period of time if they will fit them once again.

I am nervous and a little afraid of transitioning from the life I have here back to the life of a student, and at a graduate level this time to boot, and with just 3 weeks to be back home before moving to Minnesota. I'm slightly overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I want people to understand, too, how excited I am to be moving on. I have had my year of “breathing” as I've so often put it, and more than once over these past few months I have felt the pull to come back home. Yet I've lived so much over here, too, that it's a complicated mix of feelings.

Yes, I am ready to come home, but by saying that I want it to be understood that it does not mean I want to leave. Never before have I been so torn about anything.  

I'm not sure how to end this, nothing seems adequate. I feel beyond capable of explaining what's going through my mind, how I feel right now. I wonder if a body, a mind, was ever meant to experience so many conflicting emotions at once. 

The end of another journey, but not the end. I suppose that will have to suffice.

Love and miss you all and see you soon,

Katie