Yes, I'm in France. Yea, I'm living with a French family. Sure, my classes are in French. And so what, I buy my lunch every day and have to use another language, using the same 5 words. It honestly has not felt as though I actually "spoke" French, that I was fluent, that what I was doing was pretty cool. It just felt like I knew some basics, enough to get by, and that my comprehension will always outweigh my own verbal skills.
This is part of the reason why I have been frustrated much of the trip, and really, really frustrated the past couple of days. How could someone study a language for 7 years and still not be able to complete more than a simple thought or question in it? I felt so distraught, that all of my goals and plans were for naught since everything was starting to seem hopeless. At one point this morning, it actually felt like I was going backwards, so slow was my learning. I felt like such an idiot, and that all of my plans for my life that seem to revolve around learning this language were just going to have to change, when I finally thought I was on a good, set course for school and eventually a future career. It was one of my lowest lows, and even worse because I kept focusing on all of these things instead of trying to get myself out of the rut. I just felt like there wasn't anything to do to do that.
Oh, the revelation? I bought a train ticket.
After class, I headed for the train station to buy some tickets to Nice for my intersession break. On the way there, I walked through the flower market. I have to admit that every rose I saw, I thought of my boyfriend. Now, trying not to get too mushy here, it made me think of the way he encourages me when I'm down and overwhelmed, and it made me realize that he can so easily make me feel better by telling me things I should already know. It made me wish I could lift myself up in the same way. That, if someone else isn't around to make me feel better, I can do it myself. I guess this is pretty natural, everyone can be cheered up by people they love, but how do you do it yourself? I know that when I'm mad or stressed I can run or exercise and that helps, but when I'm down like this, it takes a lot more.
Basically, I thought about the things people tell me when they're proud of me. The things AJ says about how I'm tough, smart, and how he has confidence in me. How Dad tells me how proud of me he is and not to worry so much, how my sister says she thinks I'm a wonderful person, how Mom says she always knew I'd get here, since I wanted it and worked for it. Really, all of my family is so supportive and tells me things like that. When I hear those things, it's so inspiring. And today I realized that I need to start actually believing in them too. It's just that I've always felt like these things aren't true unless other people tell me them about myself, but since when do other people define you? Even I think that's ridiculous. Yet it seems like that's what I was always waiting for.
So, from that point on during the day, I thought about all of those things that people have told me, and thought about them in terms of myself. I'm smart, I'm determined, I work hard. When I want something, I go for it. I like who I am. I'm strong. I can get through tough times without help, but don't forget it's there if I need it. Know that it's not wrong to open up about tough stuff. More or less, I kept telling myself that the harder it is and the harder I work to get through it, the more I'm going to ultimately learn in the end and the stronger I'm going to be for going through it and not giving up.
And you thought it was all castles and baguettes. Ha.
I guess I should elaborate on my revelation though. Because in truth, it was a two-part thing. After I actually arrived at the train station, I had to go through the process of purchasing a "12-25" pass and two round trip tickets to Nice. I was hoping the guy might speak English, so that there was no chance I could mess up something important like this, but he didn't. Here we go, I thought, I bet I'm going to end up in Germany somehow.
But wouldn't you know it, it wasn't that bad at all. In fact, he complimented me on my French when he asked and I told him I was an American student. Go figure.
Walking back from the train station, I felt kind of happy. Not just because of the compliment, but because I realized I'm not just stagnant in terms of learning French. I thought about it, really thought about it, and knew that I had more than just a very basic conversation, that I understood things I wouldn't have a few weeks ago. It sort of hit me all at once, and I felt like in just a few minutes I had come so far, while at the same time understanding this is just years of work finally catching up with my voice, I just needed to be a little more patient.
I know I know, it's easier to read about the castles and baguettes. I never thought this trip would be as challenging as it is, and how much I was going to learn about myself here. I though I was just going to improve my French a bit. I was pretty wrong, but I'm pretty happy about that. Coming here was a very good idea.
Alright so maybe it wasn't just a mini-revelation. Medium-sized?