Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Day 19

I had a mini-revelation today.

Yes, I'm in France. Yea, I'm living with a French family. Sure, my classes are in French. And so what, I buy my lunch every day and have to use another language, using the same 5 words. It honestly has not felt as though I actually "spoke" French, that I was fluent, that what I was doing was pretty cool. It just felt like I knew some basics, enough to get by, and that my comprehension will always outweigh my own verbal skills.

This is part of the reason why I have been frustrated much of the trip, and really, really frustrated the past couple of days. How could someone study a language for 7 years and still not be able to complete more than a simple thought or question in it? I felt so distraught, that all of my goals and plans were for naught since everything was starting to seem hopeless. At one point this morning, it actually felt like I was going backwards, so slow was my learning. I felt like such an idiot, and that all of my plans for my life that seem to revolve around learning this language were just going to have to change, when I finally thought I was on a good, set course for school and eventually a future career. It was one of my lowest lows, and even worse because I kept focusing on all of these things instead of trying to get myself out of the rut. I just felt like there wasn't anything to do to do that.

Oh, the revelation? I bought a train ticket.

After class, I headed for the train station to buy some tickets to Nice for my intersession break. On the way there, I walked through the flower market. I have to admit that every rose I saw, I thought of my boyfriend. Now, trying not to get too mushy here, it made me think of the way he encourages me when I'm down and overwhelmed, and it made me realize that he can so easily make me feel better by telling me things I should already know. It made me wish I could lift myself up in the same way. That, if someone else isn't around to make me feel better, I can do it myself. I guess this is pretty natural, everyone can be cheered up by people they love, but how do you do it yourself? I know that when I'm mad or stressed I can run or exercise and that helps, but when I'm down like this, it takes a lot more.

Basically, I thought about the things people tell me when they're proud of me. The things AJ says about how I'm tough, smart, and how he has confidence in me. How Dad tells me how proud of me he is and not to worry so much, how my sister says she thinks I'm a wonderful person, how Mom says she always knew I'd get here, since I wanted it and worked for it. Really, all of my family is so supportive and tells me things like that. When I hear those things, it's so inspiring. And today I realized that I need to start actually believing in them too. It's just that I've always felt like these things aren't true unless other people tell me them about myself, but since when do other people define you? Even I think that's ridiculous. Yet it seems like that's what I was always waiting for.

So, from that point on during the day, I thought about all of those things that people have told me, and thought about them in terms of myself. I'm smart, I'm determined, I work hard. When I want something, I go for it. I like who I am. I'm strong. I can get through tough times without help, but don't forget it's there if I need it. Know that it's not wrong to open up about tough stuff. More or less, I kept telling myself that the harder it is and the harder I work to get through it, the more I'm going to ultimately learn in the end and the stronger I'm going to be for going through it and not giving up.

And you thought it was all castles and baguettes. Ha.

I guess I should elaborate on my revelation though. Because in truth, it was a two-part thing. After I actually arrived at the train station, I had to go through the process of purchasing a "12-25" pass and two round trip tickets to Nice. I was hoping the guy might speak English, so that there was no chance I could mess up something important like this, but he didn't. Here we go, I thought, I bet I'm going to end up in Germany somehow.

But wouldn't you know it, it wasn't that bad at all. In fact, he complimented me on my French when he asked and I told him I was an American student. Go figure.

Walking back from the train station, I felt kind of happy. Not just because of the compliment, but because I realized I'm not just stagnant in terms of learning French. I thought about it, really thought about it, and knew that I had more than just a very basic conversation, that I understood things I wouldn't have a few weeks ago. It sort of hit me all at once, and I felt like in just a few minutes I had come so far, while at the same time understanding this is just years of work finally catching up with my voice, I just needed to be a little more patient.

I know I know, it's easier to read about the castles and baguettes. I never thought this trip would be as challenging as it is, and how much I was going to learn about myself here. I though I was just going to improve my French a bit. I was pretty wrong, but I'm pretty happy about that. Coming here was a very good idea.

Alright so maybe it wasn't just a mini-revelation. Medium-sized?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Days 12-17

I just have not been in a blogging mood lately.

Anyways, this past Wednesday after class we had an excursion to both Château Azay-le-Rideau and Villandry. The first we saw, Azay, was very beautiful because of the water around it; it made for a lot of good photo ops. The inside was similar to the first Château, but I still love getting to talk through every room, imagining what the lives of the people who used to live there were like. I like to think that I'm standing exactly where a princess once stood, or something like that. It makes the tours a lot more interesting, even though it makes my attention waver a bit when our "tour guide" (one of our French professors here) is telling us in French about the history. I don't know why, but I've always had a "thing" for castles and a "thing" for any kind of Renaissance history, I just find it so interesting. So, here you are:



Afterwards, we hopped back on the bus, and not too far away was Château Villandry and their infamous gardens. This was by far my favorite thing we have done on the trip, and the most beautiful place I have ever been. The château itself was beautiful on the outside, but my favorite thing about it was that the inside was a lot different than the others. For one thing, I broke free from the group with a friend and we explored the castle on our own, which was a magnificent idea. It turned out that there were a lot more rooms to see and most didn't have little barrier ropes dividing you from anything. Every room was totally furnished, but the neat part was that it was done so in the 1800's style, when the last people lived there, so it differed from the other castles in that way as well. It felt like you were actually walking through someone's house who was currently living in it. Every room was so detailed, and from all of the windows on one side you could look out over the gardens, which was incredible.

Château



Closer, in courtyard-like area



An example of one of the rooms



And then, the gardens. The words beautiful, breath-taking, incredible, amazing...don't do anything at all to describe the gardens. They're words you can use to describe anything, and it's frustrating that no matter what I say to describe them, I won't be able to fully, and won't get close to doing justice. The incredible part about it, on top of all the beauty, was the feeling you got walking through them; whether it was through the actual flowers, the trees, the pond with all the open space...you just felt wonderful. Like you could spend a whole day just being there, being happy. Not even doing anything at all. Just looking, smelling, thinking, feeling. Even the pictures I'll show don't even do it justice, but you'll get a much better idea this way:















Before the trip is over, I'd like to go back and just spend the whole day there. Maybe rent a bike or something, it's not that far.

Friday we had a little tour of a Boulangerie, which is basically just a French bakery. We were told how it's made, what's in it. We were shown the very old oven and then got to have a very delicious breakfast of croissants, 2 other kinds of bread, with jelly and butter, and hot cocoa or coffee.

Old French oven



Having breakfast at the bakery



Just part of the bakery



Afterwards, it was a very lazy day. My friend Marie and I went and bought some knitting supplies, and she taught me how to knit, which I ended up loving and which we ended up doing for a few hours on some couches at the Institute, all the while just talking and watching whatever was on the TV in French. It was very relaxing, since I had been having a bit of a rough time the past few days of being a little up and down. I won't get into it now, since I feel fine, but I had simply been overwhelmed with being either incredibly busy and happy, or all of a sudden having so much free time that all I could do was think. And mostly about people I missed and how hard it is to be alone sometimes. But hey, pictures!

My first stitches



Candid of Marie and I



And then that night, a little group of us went to an outdoor café right next to the Loire. Live music, lights strung in the trees, the Loire lit up too, great company...it couldn't get much better.





And now it's time to plan my 10 day break, Evan and I are backpackin' around southern France! I'm so excited!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Day 11

The Château's are great, the town is beautiful, the culture is incredible...but it's moments like the morning that have really made this trip as incredible as it's been.

As usual, in the same baggy T-shirt and PJ's with wet hair, I made my bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee. But instead of eating it at the teeny tiny table on the teeny tiny chair in the teeny tiny kitchen, I decided to join Paul in the living room, who was watching cartoons. The room was dimly lit, it being so early and all; Paul was in his robe...and when I sat down on the couch opposite of him, it was the first time I didn't feel like a stranger. I felt content, relaxed, comfortable. I munched away at my granola while he laughed at things I didn't understand, and we talked a bit about the different kinds of cartoons from here and back home. I laughed when he didn't know what Rugrats was, and he laughed when I tried to describe it.

It's not that overnight I learned how to speak fluently and got to know them more fully, and therefore became more comfortable around the house, but more so that a combination of my broken French, hand gestures and facial expressions had finally gotten across a bit of who I am to them, since most of the time I can't explain anything very well in French. I notice it with just about everyone, with little things they do or say. Besides the above story with Paul and reading comics with Benoit, I've started to join in the American music conversation that is guaranteed to occur each night with Claire, and Anne has started using the "you're my friend not just familiar" greeting, "cou cou." The small things. Like with my host mom, she saw that I particularly enjoyed a specific dessert, so when she made it again, she offered it to me first, joking that the huge bowl was all for me. I love that kind of stuff. The dad isn't around a lot, and nearly silent at dinner, but it made me pretty happy when he told me how much he liked the book I bought the family with lots of pictures of Michigan. He even asked a little about where I live and if I had my own car.

Anyways, today was interesting. After my cartoon filled morning (which in reality didn't last more than 10 minutes) we had class 9-11, where I struggled to understand French politics in French. Afterwards we visited the wine caves of Vouvray. The walk from where the bus dropped us off took us through beautiful French country, where it seemed like every other home was built into the hills and stone and that every gate and flower you saw felt picture-worthy, it was so beautiful.





We ate our lunch in the shade of some trees on top of a hill, across from huge vineyard fields. See:



I was just mesmerized by it all. It was so different than Tours, a busy city with hardly any land available except for gardens maintained by staffs, stores every which way, statues and cathedrals and fountains oh my. You get the idea. So different, and yet still so beautiful.

So then were the cave tours, where a guide explained to us that there are 2 kilometers underground of wine storage with over 4 million bottles. We learned about what they had to do to maintain it, and then got to see the actual workers going through the cleaning and packaging process. And afterwards, some wine-tasting, where it was really more like champagne. We tried 3 different kinds, and I bought a bottle for my host family. I know my "dad" will appreciate it.



All in all, a good day. I'm ready for bed at 9:30, but I think I'll do my homework. =)

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Day 8

Good morning.

I played around with taking black and white pictures yesterday, and it felt good to try and be creative with photography again. I feel like I've just been so overwhelmed with photo opportunities that I just look and shoot, instead of taking a little more time to compose a more-than-average photo. I worry that if I don't take a picture right away, I'm going to miss it. I really need to get over that seeing as I still have another 7 weeks, and all of these buildings that have been here for centuries aren't going anywhere anytime soon. It's a little silly that I think about things like this. But, it was a neat process to go through since when I slowed down with taking pictures, I found myself re-finding the small things that I've always liked the most.

For example, just like back home, my favorite part of the day is the morning when I have a cup of coffee and read. Only here, it's usually journaling or blogging.



So it was a fun little project, and throughout the day I'd pull out my point-and-shoot and try and capture the details of my experience, instead of just the "big stuff."

I walked around with some of the same girls and another yesterday. We went across a bridge to a little island and visited a graveyard, which are a lot different here than in the U.S. Everyone was more or less above ground, and the decoration was much more elaborate.



And then dinner that night was interesting. We had a cold soup-like dish, which more or less consisted of tomatoes, onions and other finely cut up vegetables with lots of spices. It was more like a paste than liquid. Afterwards was pasta, which was fantastic. And I had crème brulé pudding for the first time for dessert. Yum yum.

But my favorite part was watching the heightened bickering at dinner. For some reason, my host-siblings weren't getting along so great last night. And even though I didn't actually understand most of the time why, I have to admit, it was pretty comical. Though not nearly as comical when, after dinner, Benoit was running around in his red plaid robe, whipping a toy whip, and singing the Indiana Jones theme song. I'm laughing now just thinking about it. I'll never forget peeking my head out of my door to see what the heck that noise was, and seeing Benoit in that robe, whip in hand, leg perched on the stair above him with the other hand on his hip, singing his heart out. Five minutes before this he had been helping me with my homework, which was to read a bit of a comic book in French, and try and figure out the words we didn't know and couldn't find in the dictionary. He was all about that, he loves comics.

It was a pretty lazy day, to say the least. And now it's time for a new one.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Day 6

It may be about time for a more straight-up post about what I'm up to way over here, instead of just going on and on about ideas and revelations. As much as I enjoy having and writing about them.

I slept in today since we don't have classes on Fridays. Bad idea, and I knew it, because I get headaches when I do that. It went away relatively fast though, so I had my breakfast (some baguette with jam, coffee, granola cereal with dried fruit) and got ready for the day. Which, at that point, was plan-less. So I spent more time that usual getting ready. Strange, seeing as people usually do that when they have plans, but I only do that when I have a lot of free time.

So I had a lazy morning, and decided to grab a sandwich at my favorite little shop and head over to the Institute to study a bit. This basically just meant pulling out the two pages of French words that I don't know (that I write down during class) to translate. I didn't get far before I ran into some people from the trip, who were planning on exploring the city all day. So, I tagged along. Probably the best choice I could have made, since it turned out to be my favorite day here so far. We visited the St. Martin Cathedral, which was breathtaking and actually very moving. A little fact is that there are 37,000 churches and chapels throughout the world named after St. Martin, but this is where his tomb is, which we also saw.





St. Martin's Tome





Then, we visited the Notre Dame la Riche-









On the way out, the 5 of us stopped to look at some souvenirs you could buy, and we ended up talking to the nun who worked there for a while. She was actually very funny, and had a lot of good things to say, though I'm sure I missed a bit here and there. She spoke slowly for us and asked us questions, gave us some good advice. Probably one of the more interesting things to happen while I've been here.

And afterwards, well, it was the most fun I've had in a while. I got to know the others a little more, and then we really loosened up when we started taking silly pictures of each other by the Loire River. It was a bit like a model shoot for a bit, and there was a lot of giggling involved.







So we just stayed there for a while. Walked down to some benches, talked. It was beautiful out, if not a bit cool in the shade. I really enjoyed people watching too. A lady sat against a wall while she threw sticks into the water for her two dogs to fetch. There were a group of 4 or so of our age a ways to the right, sleeping on the grass or kissing. You see a lot of that here, it's not really frowned upon or anything. There was a homeless man who got in a boat tied up and in the water, shook it a bit, then left singing. And there's a little outdoor café when you kept walking to the right and up a small hill, with hanging lights for when it gets dark, and a little stage where they have live bands. We decided to all come back sometime at night and try it out soon.

We walked back to my house to grab something for one of the girls, and realized we all live relatively close to each other. You might have assumed that everyone on the trip must be close to each other since we all go to the same school, but some are as far as a half an hours walk away. So this was a huge plus to the day.

So, I introduced my friends to my host-mom when we got here, and then just sat and talked in my room for a while. It was relaxing, and we all talked about how the trip had been for us so far. It seems like everyone is having a really good experience. I didn't think it could get much better, but meeting these girls was my favorite part so far. We made plans for our own mini-excursions, when we'd meet up for lunch, when we'd go for a walk in a garden. I have a feeling the rest of the trip is going to be so much more memorable because of them. I already smile when I think back on the day and how much fun we had being silly, taking pictures and just talking. I love the simple things like that. I don't have to go to some great big castle to have fun, it's just a plus that we get to, haha.

Well, it's the morning of day 7. I don't actually have anything planned for today, but I'm still excited for it.

Au revoir!

Day 6

It may be about time for a more straight-up post about what I'm up to way over here, instead of just going on and on about ideas and revelations. As much as I enjoy having and writing about them.

I slept in today since we don't have classes on Fridays. Bad idea, and I knew it, because I get headaches when I do that. It went away relatively fast though, so I had my breakfast (some baguette with jam, coffee, granola cereal with dried fruit) and got ready for the day. Which, at that point, was plan-less. So I spent more time that usual getting ready. Strange, seeing as people usually do that when they have plans, but I only do that when I have a lot of free time.

So I had a lazy morning, and decided to grab a sandwich at my favorite little shop and head over to the Institute to study a bit. This basically just meant pulling out the two pages of French words that I don't know (that I write down during class) to translate. I didn't get far before I ran into some people from the trip, who were planning on exploring the city all day. So, I tagged along. Probably the best choice I could have made, since it turned out to be my favorite day here so far. We visited the St. Martin Cathedral, which was breathtaking.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Day 5

I'm so exhausted. My brain feels like mush. It was by far the busiest day, with class from 9-12, strolled around the flower market for about an hour then 1:30-7 we visited Château Amboise and Leonardo Da Vinci's old house.

Flower Market





Château d'Amboise









Da Vinci's Crib





Class was much better today, although concentrating so hard to understand for so long really takes its toll on you. Touring around all day seeing everything was incredible, beautiful, fantastic...I was blown away at the sheer beauty of everything I saw today...it just really wore me out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life. A different country, language, room...new friends, family, food, classes...everything is new and different, and it all changed over in one day. I think I've adapted well, I'm continuously learning, but somehow I just can't grasp it completely. I think it's just caused an overload of really intense thinking and experiences into a very short amount of time, things you normally experience and think about perhaps spread out a bit more.

Being here has made me look at everything in my life in a new way. It's made me seriously think about things like future goals, plans, and hopes...things I've always thought I've wanted; wanted to do, wanted to go. It's hard to explain how. Your whole life you learn about everything you can't experience for yourself through some other means, similar to what I wrote about in the last blog, and these things are often taken into consideration for decisions about what you want to do, where you want to go, how you want to be. "I want to be a teacher when I grow up, I want to live in the country, I want to travel the world..." and you think about and want to do these things based on what you observe, but it's often very different when you're actually doing it, living it, being it. I hope I make sense. It makes sense to me.

I don't exactly know what I'm trying to get at, other than sorting out too many thoughts. I suppose I wonder about the order of how things work in the world and why.

I guess it's just that I've realized I make plans and decisions and work hard towards things that I want from life and what I want to give back, but they're things like I mentioned about seeing and dreaming, but now am experiencing and wondering. Am I making the right choices? Are the things that I've thought I've always wanted still what I want? Or do the things change, but principles remain the same?

"Life is a hard teacher because it gives the test first and the lesson later."

Goodnight.